Last year, I was invited to appear on The Daily Ketchup Podcast to discuss divorce, children, financial matters and some of the realities people face when a marriage breaks down.
One thing stood out during the discussion. Many of the questions raised by the hosts and audience were based on assumptions that are surprisingly common. In my experience, some of the biggest challenges people face during divorce arise not from the legal process itself, but from misunderstandings about how divorce actually works.
With over 29 years of experience handling family law matters, I have seen many individuals make decisions based on information from friends, social media or popular misconceptions. Unfortunately, these misconceptions can sometimes lead to unnecessary stress, conflict, misunderstandings and costly mistakes.
Here are some of the things many people get wrong about divorce.
What Many People Get Wrong About Divorce
Divorce Is Often More Emotional Than Legal
Many people assume divorce is primarily a legal process involving paperwork, court hearings and financial negotiations.
While these elements are certainly important, the emotional aspects of divorce often have a greater impact on decision-making than the legal issues themselves.
People may be dealing with grief, anger, disappointment, fear about the future, concerns about their children or anxiety about their financial situation. These emotions can influence how individuals respond to negotiations, parenting discussions and settlement proposals.
In many situations, the most difficult conversations are not about the law. They are about relationships, expectations and uncertainty about what comes next.
This is one reason why many individuals find value in seeking guidance early, whether through legal advice, divorce coaching or other forms of professional support.
The Court Does Not Automatically Side with Mothers
One of the most common misconceptions I encounter is the belief that mothers automatically become the parent the children live with after a divorce, while fathers are limited to seeing their children every other weekend.
While this perception may still exist, it does not accurately reflect how the Family Justice Courts approach matters involving children today.
The court’s primary consideration is the welfare and best interests of the child. Decisions relating to custody, care and control, and access arrangements are not made based on whether a parent is the mother or the father. Instead, the court looks at what arrangement will best support the child’s overall wellbeing, stability and development.
Joint Custody Does Not Mean One Parent Is More Important
Many parents are surprised to learn that joint custody orders are common.
Joint custody means both parents continue to have a say in important decisions affecting the child’s life, such as education, medical treatment, religion and other major aspects of the child’s upbringing.
The court generally recognises that children benefit from having both parents involved in their lives wherever possible. Divorce may end a marriage, but it does not end the responsibilities of parenthood.
What Is Care and Control?
While custody relates to major decision-making, care and control refers to the child’s day-to-day living arrangements.
In simple terms, care and control determines which parent the child lives with and who is responsible for the child’s daily routine. This includes matters such as preparing meals, supervising homework, taking the child to school, arranging medical appointments and managing the child’s everyday needs.
This is often the issue parents are most concerned about because it affects where the child will call home following the divorce.
Historically, mothers often assumed the role of primary caregiver, particularly where younger children were involved. However, family dynamics have changed considerably.
Today, many fathers are actively involved in school activities, medical appointments, homework, extracurricular activities and the day-to-day care of their children. As a result, fathers are increasingly obtaining substantial parenting time and, in some cases, care and control of their children.
Shared Care and Control: More Common Than Many People Realise
Many people are surprised to learn that care and control arrangements are not limited to one parent having the child most of the time while the other parent receives occasional access.
In some families, the court may consider a shared care and control arrangement where the child spends substantial periods of time living with both parents.
A shared care and control order does not necessarily mean an exact 50-50 division of time. Rather, it reflects an arrangement where both parents play a significant role in the child’s daily life and where the child regards both homes as part of their normal living environment.
For younger children, a shared arrangement may involve more frequent transitions between households to maintain regular contact with both parents. For older children and teenagers, the arrangement may be structured around school commitments, extracurricular activities and the child’s own preferences.
For example, a shared care and control arrangement may provide that:
- The child lives with Mother from Monday after school until Thursday morning.
- The child lives with Father from Thursday after school until Monday morning.
- School holidays are divided equally.
- Birthdays, festive celebrations and special occasions are shared between both parents.
In another family, the arrangement may involve the child spending one week living with Mother and the following week living with Father.
In practical terms, the child may have a bedroom at both homes, school uniforms and personal belongings at both residences, and established routines in each household. Parents would typically work together to coordinate school matters, medical appointments, extracurricular activities and other aspects of the child’s life.
The arrangement adopted will depend on what is workable and beneficial for the child rather than what either parent may personally prefer.
The Child’s Wishes May Become Relevant
Another misconception is that children are simply asked which parent they wish to live with.
The reality is more nuanced.
The court will not ordinarily place a child in the difficult position of having to choose between parents. However, as children grow older and demonstrate greater maturity, their views may become one of several factors considered by the court.
The weight given to a child’s wishes will depend on the child’s age, maturity and understanding of the circumstances.
For younger children, the court may place greater emphasis on stability, caregiving arrangements and practical considerations. For older children and teenagers, the court may give more consideration to their views regarding living arrangements, schooling, social commitments and relationships with each parent.
Ultimately, the child’s wishes form part of the overall picture rather than determining the outcome on their own.
There Is Hope for Fathers Seeking Meaningful Involvement
Many fathers approach divorce fearing they will become visitors in their children’s lives.
In reality, the court’s focus is not on choosing between a mother and a father. The focus is on ensuring that the child can maintain healthy and meaningful relationships with both parents wherever possible.
Where a father has been actively involved in raising the child and where arrangements can be made that support the child’s welfare, the court has considerable flexibility in crafting parenting arrangements.
Depending on the circumstances, this may range from generous access arrangements to shared care and control, and in some cases, care and control being granted to the father.
The outcome will always depend on the specific facts of each family. However, fathers should not assume that meaningful involvement in their children’s lives is out of reach simply because they are the father.
The modern approach is increasingly focused on the child’s welfare and the important role that both parents can play in helping a child thrive after divorce.
Not Every Asset Is Divided Equally
Another common assumption is that all matrimonial assets are automatically split equally between spouses.
In reality, the division of assets is based on what the court considers to be just and equitable in the circumstances.
The court may consider a range of factors, including:
- Direct financial contributions
- Indirect contributions to the family
- Contributions to the welfare of the children
- The length of the marriage
- The parties’ respective roles during the marriage
Every family is different. As a result, there is no universal formula that guarantees a 50-50 outcome.
This is particularly important for individuals who own businesses, hold overseas assets, have significant CPF contributions or have accumulated substantial wealth during the marriage.
Divorce Can Be Planned Better Than Many People Realise
Many individuals only seek advice after significant decisions have already been made.
For example, some people move out of the matrimonial home, transfer assets, make financial commitments or enter into informal parenting arrangements without fully understanding the possible implications.
Divorce is often viewed as a single event. In reality, it is usually a process that benefits from careful planning.
Understanding your options before taking action can help you:
- Protect important information and documents
- Consider parenting arrangements more carefully
- Avoid unnecessary conflict
- Understand potential financial implications
- Make informed decisions about the next steps
Not every situation requires immediate court proceedings. Sometimes a thoughtful and strategic approach can place families in a better position to move forward.
Early Advice Can Prevent Costly Mistakes
One of the biggest surprises for many people is how much can be achieved through early planning.
By the time some individuals seek advice, avoidable mistakes may already have occurred. These mistakes can affect parenting arrangements, financial outcomes and the overall progress of the matter.
Early discussions allow individuals to better understand:
- Their legal position
- Available options
- Potential risks
- Likely timelines
- Practical steps they can take moving forward
Seeking advice does not mean you have decided to proceed with a divorce. It simply means you are taking steps to better understand your situation and make informed decisions.
My Final Thoughts
During my appearance on The Daily Ketchup Podcast, many of the questions reflected concerns that I hear regularly from individuals and families considering divorce.
The reality is that divorce is rarely as straightforward as people imagine, but it is also not always as frightening as many expect. Having accurate information, realistic expectations and the right support can make a significant difference.
Whether you are contemplating divorce, facing parenting issues, concerned about matrimonial assets or simply trying to understand your options, obtaining guidance early may help you avoid unnecessary stress and make more informed decisions about your future.
At GJC Law, we offer Strategic Divorce Consultations and Divorce Coaching sessions to help individuals better understand their circumstances and plan the next steps that are right for them and their families.
We’re here for you
Our lawyers at GJC Law offer consultation options designed to provide clarity on the divorce process, your legal position, and potential next steps.
Our goal is to help you find a resolution that works for you.
