I recently received an email enquiry from someone who was considering speaking to me but was unsure whether they needed divorce coaching or a divorce consultation.
It made me think about something I encounter quite often: people may know they need guidance, without yet knowing what kind of guidance they need.
As both a practising family lawyer and a Certified Divorce Coach®, my view is that the answer does not really begin with deciding which service to book. It begins with a much simpler question:
What is the problem you are trying to solve right now?
Divorce creates legal, financial, practical and personal problems, often at the same time. But not every problem arising from a divorce is a legal problem. Equally, there are situations where understanding your legal position should come before trying to decide what to do next.
The distinction matters.
- Start with the problem you need to solve, rather than deciding immediately between coaching and a legal consultation.
- Legal advice should generally come first when you need to understand your rights, risks, options or the consequences of a decision.
- Divorce coaching can help with decision-making, communication, boundaries, priorities and managing conflict.
- Legal advice and divorce coaching are not competing alternatives, you may need both at different stages.
- Your needs can change as the divorce develops, particularly if lawyers become involved, court papers arrive or issues concerning children or finances arise.
- Good divorce strategy is not necessarily about being aggressive; it is about choosing actions that advance the outcome you want.
- Sometimes the most important first step is simply identifying what is stopping you from moving forward.
– Start With the Problem, Not the Appointment
– If You Do Not Understand Your Legal Position, Find That Out First
– But More Legal Advice Does Not Necessarily Solve Every Divorce Problem
– One of the Most Useful Questions Can Be: “What Am I Trying to Achieve?”
– Divorce Strategy Is Not Always About Becoming More Aggressive
– Where Divorce Coaching Can Help
– Sometimes You May Need Legal Advice First and Coaching Afterwards
– Recognise When the Situation Has Changed
– Could Using Both Make the Divorce Process More Efficient?
– So, Which One Would I Recommend?
– About Gloria James-Civetta
– Start With the Problem
– Understand Your Legal Position
– More Legal Advice Isn’t Always the Answer
– What Are You Trying to Achieve?
– Divorce Strategy Isn’t About Aggression
– Where Divorce Coaching Can Help
– Legal Advice First, Coaching Later
– Recognise When Things Change
– Can Both Make Divorce More Efficient?
– Which One Would I Recommend?
– About Gloria James-Civetta
Start With the Problem, Not the Appointment
Two people can both say, “I am thinking about divorce,” while needing completely different assistance.
One person may be asking:
- What will happen to the matrimonial home?
- How are matrimonial assets divided?
- What are my rights concerning the children?
- Am I likely to have to pay maintenance?
Another may already have a reasonable understanding of those issues but be asking:
- How do I tell my spouse?
- How do I negotiate with someone who becomes hostile whenever divorce is mentioned?
- Am I making this decision because it is what I want, or because I am reacting to what has happened?
And there is another person who may know what they want and understand their legal position, but every interaction with their spouse pulls them back into an argument.
All three are dealing with divorce.
But I would not necessarily approach all three in the same way.
If You Do Not Understand Your Legal Position, Find That Out First
There are circumstances where I believe legal advice should come first.
If you are about to make a significant decision and do not understand its potential legal consequences, you should be very careful about proceeding based on assumptions.
For example, you may be considering leaving the matrimonial home. Your spouse may have proposed a particular division of the matrimonial assets. You may be discussing arrangements for your children. You may have been asked to sign something. Or you may be considering moving money or taking some other step because you believe it will protect your position.
Before acting, you need to understand what the law actually means for your circumstances.
A divorce consultation should help you understand your legal position, the options available to you, the risks associated with those options and the likely legal process.
There is also a strategic benefit in obtaining advice early.
Knowing your legal position does not mean you have to start legal proceedings.
Sometimes it enables you to do the opposite. Once you know where you stand, you may be able to have a much more informed and measured discussion with your spouse.
But More Legal Advice Does Not Necessarily Solve Every Divorce Problem
This is something I have come to appreciate very strongly through many years of family law practice.
A person can understand their legal position perfectly well and still feel completely stuck.
They may know their options but be unable to decide between them.
They may understand that a particular settlement is within a reasonable range but feel emotionally unable to accept it.
They may intend to have a calm discussion with their spouse and find themselves drawn into the same argument every time.
Or they may spend considerable time and legal costs dealing with something which, when we look more closely, is not actually central to the outcome they want.
These issues are real and important. But another legal opinion may not resolve them.
That is one of the areas where I see a role for divorce coaching.
One of the Most Useful Questions Can Be: “What Am I Trying to Achieve?”
When people are experiencing divorce, it is understandable that attention turns quickly to what they are “entitled to”.
That is an important legal question.
But I think there is another question worth asking:
What am I actually trying to achieve?
The answers can be very different.
One person may place enormous importance on retaining the family home. Another may prioritise financial liquidity and a clean break.
For a parent, maintaining a strong and workable relationship with the children may be the overriding concern.
Someone else may want to resolve matters relatively quickly rather than spend the next two years fighting over every possible issue.
There is an important distinction here.
What you may be legally entitled to pursue and what best advances your overall objectives are not necessarily the same question.
A divorce lawyer can advise you about the former. Coaching can be useful in helping you think clearly about the latter.
Ultimately, however, decisions about legal rights and settlement should be made with appropriate legal advice.
Divorce Strategy Is Not Always About Becoming More Aggressive
There is sometimes an assumption that having a “strategy” in divorce means taking a harder position.
I don’t agree.
Strategy is about understanding what you want to achieve and choosing actions that are most likely to move you towards that outcome.
Sometimes that requires decisive legal action.
Sometimes it requires saying very little until you have obtained advice.
Sometimes it means making a sensible proposal rather than an aggressive one.
And sometimes it means not responding immediately to a provocative email or WhatsApp message.
One question I encourage people to consider before taking an action during a difficult divorce is:
What is this going to achieve?
If the answer is simply, “I want my spouse to know how angry I am,” sending the message may provide momentary satisfaction but make tomorrow’s negotiation considerably harder.
That does not mean tolerating unreasonable behaviour or giving up legitimate rights. It means distinguishing between reaction and strategy.
Where Divorce Coaching Can Help
Divorce coaching does not replace legal advice.
Its value lies elsewhere.
It can help someone clarify priorities, prepare for difficult conversations, establish boundaries, consider how they are communicating, prepare for negotiations or mediation, and identify patterns that repeatedly pull them into unnecessary conflict.
It can also provide a structured space in which to think.
That can be particularly useful because divorce decisions are often made when people are under considerable emotional pressure.
One practical example is communication.
If every message from your spouse produces an immediate emotional response, the issue may not be that you need a lawyer to draft every reply.
You may first need a better way of deciding whether a reply is necessary, what actually needs answering and what can simply be left alone.
That can be a surprisingly effective divorce tactic.
Sometimes You May Need Legal Advice First and Coaching Afterwards
I do not see divorce coaching and divorce consultation as competing alternatives.
For some people, the sensible sequence may be to obtain legal advice first.
Understand the legal framework. Understand the realistic options. Understand where the risks are.
Then comes a different set of questions:
- What matters most to me?
- How do I approach my spouse?
- What am I prepared to compromise on? Where should I hold my position?
- How do I stop every discussion from becoming another fight?
Coaching may become useful at that stage.
At another point, the matter may return to the lawyer because a settlement proposal needs to be evaluated or formalised.
The assistance someone needs can therefore change throughout the divorce.
Recognise When the Situation Has Changed
There is another point I would emphasise.
Something that begins principally as a communication or decision-making problem can become a legal problem very quickly.
For example, your spouse may suddenly instruct lawyers. Court documents may arrive. Access to the children may become an issue. You may discover something concerning about the family’s finances. A proposed agreement may be put in front of you for signature.
At that point, do not continue treating the situation as though nothing has changed.
When the nature of the problem changes, the assistance you need may need to change as well.
This is particularly important where delay or an uninformed decision could affect your legal position.
Could Using Both Make the Divorce Process More Efficient?
Potentially, yes.
Lawyers should be spending their time dealing with issues requiring legal expertise: rights, obligations, evidence, risk, negotiations, legal strategy, documentation and court proceedings.
But divorce inevitably involves much more than law.
If someone can become clearer about their objectives, organise their thinking, prepare properly for discussions and learn not to react to every provocation, their conversations with their lawyer can also become more focused.
That can make the legal process more productive.
There is another advantage I have observed from working across both areas: sometimes identifying what is not a legal problem is just as useful as identifying what is.
Not every disagreement needs a lawyer’s letter.
But equally, not every disagreement should be coached through when someone’s legal position requires protection.
Knowing the difference matters.
So, Which One Would I Recommend?
If I received that same email enquiry today, I would not immediately answer: “Book divorce coaching” or “Book a divorce consultation.”
I would want to know what the person is trying to resolve.
If the question is principally:
“What are my legal rights, risks and options?”
I would generally suggest starting with a legal consultation.
If the question is:
“I understand the situation, but I need help deciding what I want, preparing myself, communicating or managing the dynamics of this divorce,”
divorce coaching may be more appropriate.
And if the answer is:
“Actually, I need help with both,”
then the important thing is to identify which issue needs attention first.
Divorce is a legal process. But the person going through it is dealing with much more than law.
Sometimes the most useful first step is simply working out what is stopping you from moving forward.
About Gloria James-Civetta
Gloria James-Civetta is Head of Family Law at GJC Law and a Certified Divorce Coach®. With around 30 years of family law experience, her work encompasses both the legal issues arising from relationship breakdown and the practical decision-making and communication challenges that can accompany divorce.
Taking the Next Step
If you are contemplating divorce but are unsure whether your immediate need is legal advice, divorce coaching or a combination of both, GJC Law can help you identify an appropriate starting point.
The objective is not to put every divorce problem into the same category. It is to understand what you need help with now, and what type of assistance can most usefully move you forward.
How Gloria Can Guide You Forward
When you reach out to me for divorce coaching, I will provide a confidential session tailored to your unique situation and the goals that matter most to you.
My aim is to help you move forward with clarity and
create a plan that works for your future.
